I used to hate being alone. This was primarily because I wasn’t ever alone in my day-to-day life before the age of 14; I shared a room with my twin, I had friends at school, and a large family- so those rare moments by myself gave me a sinking feeling in my gut, like there was something I was missing out on I didn’t quite know about. I mean, it didn’t exactly help that due to bullying in my past, I had been purposefully excluded from birthday parties, games, playdates, and sleepovers; but even with a healthy social life I still constantly had FOMO- the fear of missing out.
So, I was never alone. This was until 2020- I think we all know the story from there, but my family had also moved across the country just as the pandemic began, so I started my freshman year of high school; almost entirely online, with no friends within a 2 thousand mile radius. So, not exactly a ‘High School Musical’ experience- At least I got my own room. Of course, even that backfired as I realized how much time I spent in my room, and suddenly between school and a literal global pandemic limiting my moves, I spent all day alone. At first, it was devastating; I could never stop that anxious feeling of missing out, and I felt like it was useless emoting, moving, and feeling the way I did around others because there was no one around to perceive me. I felt… numb. Like the entire world was static.
Over the years, I had to learn one of the hardest lessons I’ve come across- you need to learn to be okay being alone. Before, when I was by myself, I would kind of shut down; a mental ‘Show’s Over, Folks!’, and retreat into myself. Being alone almost all the time taught me that sometimes, there are things you need to do, see, feel, and live through alone. Originally, I connected being alone to negative emotions; Sadness, isolation, depression, anxiety, envy. As I got older, I realized there are so many good things a person can experience alone, too. when you look out a window late at night when everyone else is asleep and see snow fall, you do it alone. When you get hopelessly engrossed in a book, you do it alone. When you journal at the end of a long day, you do it alone.
Of course, being alone has also helped me find newfound joy and energy in the connections I hold with others, too; each moment spent walking through a mall, giggling on the phone, playing a game; these are all experiences I value more now that I can also appreciate the time I spend away from those things.
I know you might be tired of hearing this, but It’s about balance. If you spend all your time around people, you’ll spend those quiet moments anxious and fearful that you’re ‘missing out’. Spend all your time alone, and you’ll struggle with feelings of isolation and numbness. It can be really hard to find that perfect balance for you- and it’s different for everyone- but it’s important to go out, make new connections, and learn from others, just as it’s important to leave yourself room to breathe. I haven’t found that perfect formula yet either- and it might take me a while. But that’s okay. Keep going, keep learning and loving and feeling, and slowly, eventually, you might feel okay being alone.
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