Going Dress Shopping with Body Dysmorphia & How to Battle your Inner Critic

At the start of these kinds of days, I normally don't even realize anything's wrong. I go about my day, makeup and hair extensions and dresses, keeping what I believe to be a level head and a realistic lens, despite my mother's eye rolls. 

I take photos and film TikToks when I get home, commenting to myself that my hair 'kinda makes me look like a brunette Sabrina Carpenter' as I post the photos to Instagram. 

Then later comes, as it always does. Today, It starts with a photo that my mom took after dinner, as we were trying to get a good pageant-worthy headshot. Just one thing, something I might not have even noticed or cared about 3 hours ago. 'hmm, my chin looks a little odd here'. Then I look past the camera, at the mirror in front of me, and the cracks begin to show, and only then do I realize it's THAT kind of day.  

All of the sudden my chin is plural, my arms look aged, my makeup which looked so flawless just a moment ago now looks like it's slathered on by the pound, my face looks as large, and my features look unappetizing.  I look, and look, and look, and all of the sudden it's lipstick on a pig, and I can't bear to be seen by anyone at all.  I rush back to my room, roughly taking the makeup wipe over my face until the wipe is dry and my face is red, splashing myself with water which is already mixing in with the tears. I lock myself in my room, changing from the cute clothes I agreed with 4 hours ago that I now believe I no longer deserve for the biggest T-shirt I own and ratty sweatpants 2 inches too long. I collapse on my bed, pushing layers upon layers of blankets over me in hopes that they could make me disappear. 

So basically, it had NOT been a good day. But, when trying on dresses, taking photos, or even on a stage in front of judges, the biggest comment I get is, ‘you look so confident!’. So how can this oxymoron of a situation exist? Well, for starters, I have body dysmorphia. For those unaware, that’s a condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance that are often unnoticed by others. In my case, there are good days and bad days, as well as certain situations or activities that can trigger a good day to take a turn for the worse. On that day, looking at myself in the mirror and being conscious of my appearance for hours on end, caused me to become extremely critical of my own appearance. But, as a pageant queen, how do I battle that and still go on stage looking confident? Firstly is the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality. Even if I don’t feel confident, I can certainly pretend like I am, channeling role models like Kathryn Janeway or Akira Kurusu so I can push my issues to the side for a moment and rely on the second really big thing- practice. On my better days, I practice a LOT. what poses look good, facial expressions, and all of the other things that make a person’s presence on stage really shine. The final big thing is this (and you’ll have to excuse my language just this once, dear reader)- Telling that inner critic to just. stop. While that voice in your head might seem prominent, you’re the one in control. And to be entirely honest, treating that voice less like a thought process and more like a tenant in your head who has refused to pay rent has made it much easier to ignore. 

Overall, even when a day is pretty awful, you need to be able to push through it, because beyond today, happier days are ahead. There’s a quote I consider in moments like these- 

"If you honestly believe, in your heart of hearts, that you will never have another happy day... then step out into the air. I'll keep my promise and I won't stop you. But if you think there's a chance, no matter how small, there might be just one more happy day out there, then take my hand..." - Superman (#701)